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Sometimes a man stands up during supper
and walks outdoors, and keeps on walking, because of a church that stands somewhere in the East. And his children say blessings on him as if he were dead. And another man, who remains inside his own house, dies there, inside the dishes and in the glasses, so that his children have to go far out into the world toward that same church, which he forgot. — RANIER MARIA RILKE translated by Robert Bly |
Why I Don’t Stay Home
Journal entry, on the eve of departing for the ALEPH Kallah in Albuquerque
Becca asked me, “Dad, why don’t you stay home?”
I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought, “Why don’t I stay home?”
When I look back on my life I have absolutely no regrets over all that I have done—why I’ve done it, who I’ve done it for, and who I’ve done it with. Clearly my devotion to my family has been a primary motivator in many life decisions. Again, no regrets. It has been a rich blessing. At the same time I’ve thrown myself into my work with such passion that it is hard to know whether I might have pursued other things were it not for the responsibilities of being a provider.
First I was a teacher. Then I become an architect, and then a project manager. Later I discovered, in the middle of my sometimes challenging career, that my passion was teaching all along.
The most successful part of my career has been my return to teaching. And in the middle of the most successful moments, in this most successful part of my life, I have sometimes heard a quiet voice asking, “What are you teaching, Doug? Are you teaching what you love to teach?” And the answer is simple. I would not even be asking the question if the answer were a resounding “yes.” I’ve been teaching what I know, what I do well, and what I teach well—not necessarily what I love.
This year I have been clearer about my love for Judaism, and have connected to it in a new way. I made a declaration at my Adult B’nai Mitzvah that I was entering a new phase of adulthood—that of eldership. Since I made that declaration I’ve discovered that that is a very exciting part of who I am and where I’m going.
Once I made that declaration all manner of opportunities have presented themselves to support it. I studied spiritual eldering, and I’m continuing to do that in Albuquerque this week. I don’t know where it will lead. There are lots of possibilities, few of which preclude continuing to do what I currently do for a living, at least for the foreseeable future.
Whether I get deeper into teaching Judaism remains to be seen. I did wake up from a dream a few months ago with the realization that I would be fulfilling what some people have felt has been my destiny all along, to become a rabbi. Part of me already is a rabbi and has been a rabbi for some time—a rabbi is a teacher. This rabbi has been teaching more than project management. I’ve been teaching values, character—things that rabbis teach. I may just continue to do that where I’m doing it now—in a corporate setting—a very important place to be teaching such things. Or I might start teaching elsewhere, not to the exclusion of the first. To do that requires the time and the space to know what it is that I’m teaching, to take it on as my own study so I can teach it.
That’s the reason I’ll be out of the house this week—to pursue my Jewish education and tap in to my spirituality. Many other weeks I travel to ply my trade as a trainer of project managers. That work feeds us, keeps the mortgage paid, keep the checks flowing in whatever direction they need to flow. It’s great work with great people. I do it gladly. It’s something I love doing—both the work as well as supporting the family. The former pursuit, however, that of seeking my Jewish spirituality, feeds my soul in ways that the latter does not.
I feel blessed to discover this in my life. I ask for and pray for the support of every member of my family. I know that I will receive that because I’ve given them so much, I love them so much, and I know that they love me too. They support me in my growth, a continuous process, similar to the growth I pray they too will experience throughout their lives.
Journal entry, on the eve of departing for the ALEPH Kallah in Albuquerque
Becca asked me, “Dad, why don’t you stay home?”
I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought, “Why don’t I stay home?”
When I look back on my life I have absolutely no regrets over all that I have done—why I’ve done it, who I’ve done it for, and who I’ve done it with. Clearly my devotion to my family has been a primary motivator in many life decisions. Again, no regrets. It has been a rich blessing. At the same time I’ve thrown myself into my work with such passion that it is hard to know whether I might have pursued other things were it not for the responsibilities of being a provider.
First I was a teacher. Then I become an architect, and then a project manager. Later I discovered, in the middle of my sometimes challenging career, that my passion was teaching all along.
The most successful part of my career has been my return to teaching. And in the middle of the most successful moments, in this most successful part of my life, I have sometimes heard a quiet voice asking, “What are you teaching, Doug? Are you teaching what you love to teach?” And the answer is simple. I would not even be asking the question if the answer were a resounding “yes.” I’ve been teaching what I know, what I do well, and what I teach well—not necessarily what I love.
This year I have been clearer about my love for Judaism, and have connected to it in a new way. I made a declaration at my Adult B’nai Mitzvah that I was entering a new phase of adulthood—that of eldership. Since I made that declaration I’ve discovered that that is a very exciting part of who I am and where I’m going.
Once I made that declaration all manner of opportunities have presented themselves to support it. I studied spiritual eldering, and I’m continuing to do that in Albuquerque this week. I don’t know where it will lead. There are lots of possibilities, few of which preclude continuing to do what I currently do for a living, at least for the foreseeable future.
Whether I get deeper into teaching Judaism remains to be seen. I did wake up from a dream a few months ago with the realization that I would be fulfilling what some people have felt has been my destiny all along, to become a rabbi. Part of me already is a rabbi and has been a rabbi for some time—a rabbi is a teacher. This rabbi has been teaching more than project management. I’ve been teaching values, character—things that rabbis teach. I may just continue to do that where I’m doing it now—in a corporate setting—a very important place to be teaching such things. Or I might start teaching elsewhere, not to the exclusion of the first. To do that requires the time and the space to know what it is that I’m teaching, to take it on as my own study so I can teach it.
That’s the reason I’ll be out of the house this week—to pursue my Jewish education and tap in to my spirituality. Many other weeks I travel to ply my trade as a trainer of project managers. That work feeds us, keeps the mortgage paid, keep the checks flowing in whatever direction they need to flow. It’s great work with great people. I do it gladly. It’s something I love doing—both the work as well as supporting the family. The former pursuit, however, that of seeking my Jewish spirituality, feeds my soul in ways that the latter does not.
I feel blessed to discover this in my life. I ask for and pray for the support of every member of my family. I know that I will receive that because I’ve given them so much, I love them so much, and I know that they love me too. They support me in my growth, a continuous process, similar to the growth I pray they too will experience throughout their lives.
Palo Alto
July 2007
July 2007
Yeshaya Douglas Ballon Spiritual Mentoring |